“ Her Big Brown Eyes ”

“ Her Big Brown Eyes ”

By Cynthia Hamilton Urquhart
(Retired RCMP member)

Her big brown eyes, they stare at me
Opened wide, they could not see

She lay upon the cold hard floor,
Her heart had stopped, it beat no more

A little girl, no more than five
Her life was gone, no more alive

I stood there, at her kitchen door
Thought, not again; it’s happened before

Her Dad, her Grampie, bent their knees
With screams of “ Help her, help her please!

Make her breathe, make her smile
Wake her up, for just a while

What do I say, when her Mom comes home
And I am standing all alone?

She’s not here cause she is dead
All because of what I said

Please go outside, get in the car
It’s a short distance, not too far

I’ll be ok, it’s safe, it’s sound
But then I found her on the ground

The stick shift must have moved it’s place
Knocked out somehow, by just a trace

But just enough to move the car
It hadn’t travelled very far. ”

But far enough to take her life
Change a world, and cause great strife

The men they stood and looked at me
Their broken hearts, again they plead

I knelt beside her on the floor
Thinking, I don’t want this any more

I check her pulse, I hold her hand
Her Dad, well, he can’t understand

There is no hope, she’s too far gone
That everything with her is wrong

But how can I not try to be
The hero cop they only see

The one who’s there to change the day
Knows what to do, knows what to say

So I begin her CPR
A breath, a push, careful; not too hard

Again and again I keep right on
Again and again, for oh, so long

One and two and three and four
I can’t take this anymore

I want to stop, I want to run
I want this over with, and done

I taste her blood, I see her stare
Her soul is gone, life isn’t fair

But I can’t be the one to say
Her life is over, she’s gone away

Her family stands by me with hope,
I, tell them that; how will they cope

Finally, some help arrives
An ambulance, they help save lives

We share a look, no words were said
But they both knew, that she was dead

They jumped right in and played along
Cause not to help, would just be wrong

They put her on the stretcher bed
Gently, lifting her body and head

She’s out the door and on her way
The ambulance, had saved my day

I told myself I tried and tried
Cause I felt empty, deep inside

And then as I walked out the door
Her Mom showed up, and hit the floor

She looked at me as mother’s do,
Questions asked, words were few

My tear slipped out, it was so grim
I told her chances were very slim

“ Where is my girl, where has she gone?
I can’t be away from her for long ”

Her grief was real, her grief was raw
My insides broke, from what I saw

Her husband stood there full of shame
“ It is my fault, I am to blame ”

She hit, she punched, she screamed at him
She said “ I’ll never let you in! ”

And then she fell down by his side
The two of them, embraced, and cried

I stood and watched this scene unfold
All alone, and in the cold

Another part of me had died
Stuffed back in, and pushed aside

Then they asked, if I would be
The one to drive them just to see

Their little girl, her big brown eyes
To touch her skin, to have their cries

And so I put them in my car
The silence strong, the drive was far

The words were few, what could I say
To end that horrible, dreadful day

The hospital door was open wide
The three of us, we stepped inside

The nurses came, they took them in
To see their girl, to touch her skin

They looked at me and went their way
For there was nothing more to say

My job was done, or so it seemed
I stood alone, my insides screamed

What do I do, where do I go
You would think, that I would know

For I am tough and I am strong
And I can handle, any “ Wrong ”

But that’s not true; I feel; I hurt
Yet, I still have to do my work

So in my car, I sped away
Another, lonely, painful, day

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