I am sorry that I have turned into the person I have, sorry for the destruction, and sorry that the last 10 years will be such a bad memory.

Hi there. I am off-duty right now after the collapse of my whole world. I’d like find some one thing to blame, PTSD or whatever, but it is me. I neglected my mental health, my spirituality and my wife. I thought somehow I could work through it. My wife had her own struggles and I thought if I was weak it would bring us both down.

I know now that I should have asked for help. I don’t know how in our organization that would have worked years ago because I am asking now and it is really, really hard.

So here I am at the bottom… wife left me emotionally a long time ago but physically this week. A three year old is my life-support and the only thing that keeps me hanging on.

I could never tell the truth to my wife, or to anyone. How I would try flood the hurt in my head and heart with useless images of trashy women or hours of mindless internet surfing… just to keep the clutter in my head from killing me. Our love life faded, it died really. I couldn’t look at her without images of dead women I had seen, or replaying stories of assaults and rapes… images of young kids being violated… I couldn’t tell her.

I couldn’t tell her that I’d wake up crying and not know where I was. That I’d sit up in bed and not know if I had woken up yet. I tried but I couldn’t reconnect… the damage was done and her heart was too wounded. She tried… she started asking me about my day and work, and I started telling her a bit more each day.

But, I didn’t tell her how beautiful she was… how I loved the way she played with our child… how her talents in music amazed me.

So here is what I want you to think about husbands and wives. I am at the precipice here, with nothing to hold me, tiny shards of friendships from multiple postings and zero social life.

If you see this in your partner… give them the ultimatum if you have to… but do it early. Do it early enough so that they can either get help, or get out – but do it while your still love them enough to be there and support them. Because living as an empty soul for years and then trying to heal your partner by leaving is going to take the huge problem of PTSD and ignite it like a nuclear bomb. Your partner may or may not get help, but with the hope of nothing being there at the end, they aren’t to heal into who they were… they are going to heal into some kind of ghost.

My fear is after I meet with my psychologist for the first time I will realize that this isn’t the path to where I want to go. I want to go back in time, I want to not join the RCMP. I want to spend endless nights in the arms of someone who loves me.

I am sorry that I have turned into the person I have, sorry for the destruction, and sorry that the last 10 years will be such a bad memory.


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