I wasn’t the RCMP member whose name was Jim, I was Jim who was a RCMP member

I find that I am reflecting on my own journey when I read about the highs and lows posted here and thought I’d share a little, too. I’ve been struggling with this for about 14 years now. The first 2 or 3 I didn’t know what was going on. Then after being ordered to the doctor and have PTSD suggested as a possible diagnosis, I spent almost 2 years denying it. Then one night I woke up to my wife crying because I had grabbed her in my sleep and hurt her. I realized then that I would have to face up to my ‘demons,’ and work towards getting myself better. When I did that, started telling my doctors the whole truth – and myself – it seemed like it got much worse. It seemed like because I acknowledged it, I was not longer able to suppress the emotion and the memory. I was forced to feel it again. During that time, I regretted having opened Pandora’s box. I was hardly able to function. I could hardly leave my house without feeling that an attack on my person was imminent. I had overwhelming compulsions to ensure my house was secure, I couldn’t be in windows, and I wished that it could all just end. Then, when I wasn’t looking, things started to seem a little better. Today I still have my moments, but my recovery time has shortened significantly, and I find I enjoy things again. Some of the big things I learned along the way: turns out, I never had ‘control,’ best I could do was maybe influence things; I wasn’t the RCMP member whose name was Jim, I was Jim who was a RCMP member; there was nothing wrong with not being the person I was before this all, even without PTSD, my experiences would have made me grow and change; it’s okay to feel things, even negative emotion, and to cry; holding a grudge gave them power over me, letting go of my hold on the hold I felt they had on me made me realize they didn’t have all that much of a hold on me; lastly, it’s okay to let go. I retired on July 1st and it was the best thing I ever did. I no longer feel the pressure to return to work that was put on me by both the RCMP and myself. In fact, I didn’t know how much of that pressure was me until I let go. It was a lot more than I would have believed. Anyway, I have a books worth written so it’s time to sign off. I just thought I’d share and encourage. One day you’ll find, when you weren’t looking, things got better.

Jim

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One thought on “I wasn’t the RCMP member whose name was Jim, I was Jim who was a RCMP member

  1. I am so glad that you took the path that you have. It is a tough one that’s for sure. May you continue on this path and continue to learn. Thank you for sharing. I hope everyone who struggles get to read it. Having experienced it myself I know your the truth in what you say.

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