PTSD, I am scared of sleep

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I am scared of sleep
I am not afraid to die
I stay for those who would wonder why
I wish I could scream or sometimes cry
Maybe it would be best
If I would just die

I have served my country
And I have served it well
Now I pay by living in this eternal hell
I dream of death, close calls for me,
I hear the screams and I see their pleas

When I am home, I am not really here
My family says, I have this stare
I wish I could be more than what I am
For it’s a battle to go outside or
To put a smile on my face when I just want to cry

A soldier’s battlefield is sometimes overseas
A police officers battlefield, is where they live
For that reason alone you never leave

I will continue to try and fight
I will use the arsenal I have, including
All the meds, therapy, family, friends and support I have till the very end

Please do not be mad at me
If I do not win
In particular if I take my life in the end

I vow to fight my PTSD
But god knows
It will take its toll on me

Stephen J. GLOADE Jr
2015-07-14

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3 thoughts on “PTSD, I am scared of sleep

  1. Pingback: PTSD, I Am Scared Of Sleep | True Blue Line

  2. My husband and I have talked about the real possibility he may one day lose his battle with complex PTSD. As devastating as it would be for us as a family; I wanted him to know I understood why and I would respect his choice. I made a decision too. I accept that it is a possibility and I choose not to live in fear of something which may or may not happen. I accept it as part of our life together and take each day at a time. My thoughts and best wishes are with you

  3. WOW….extremely powerful and well written, and I feel your pain, I know your pain and I know it seems like no one cares! Well, people do care about you and a lot of us have has experiences that would make a strong man vomit! coming from a long list of police family members we are all affected by YOUR fears and pain, don’t quit, get out if you can or haven’t yet and find someone you love dearly to confide in and or occupy your mind! Talking about it to many, just re drudges it all up again so try to forget as best you can, BUT know this much, people do love and care about you!

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